Honoring Our Fathers And Mothers?

A question I’m often asked as a pastor is about the biblical calling to “honor your parents.” It’s in the ten commandments. It’s in the New Testament household codes. And it’s a hard commandment for many believers to parse, especially as adults, because parental relationships are always complicated and at times profoundly broken by sin. What does it mean to obey this commandment when a parent is hostile to faith? When they are engaged in sinful and destructive actions? When they are being fools? And even worse, given how well-known the command is, what about when the parent uses the calling itself as a cudgel to demand compliance?

First, a note about Christian ethics more broadly. Many Christians, especially those who purport to take the Bible seriously, think that a faithful reading of Scripture always means a simple one. “The Bible says it, I believe it, that settles it.” And certainly, there are boundaries Scripture gives that work like this. There is no ambiguity about, say, worshipping other gods or committing adultery.

But the reality is that many commands in the Bible aren’t that simple. Lying is wrong, but what about the Hebrew midwives or Rahab? God regulates temple worship, but there are times other considerations take precedence over parts of those regulations (Matthew 12:1-8). And indeed, we see this very ambiguity in how Scripture talks about our relationship with our parents. Consider the kings of Israel. The son of a faithful king who walked in faithfulness was praised for walking in the ways of their father (i.e. honoring them), and an unfaithful son is seen as dishonoring them. However, it gets more interesting when we consider the (many) unfaithful kings. A son who is also unfaithful is actually condemned for walking in the ways of their father (i.e. 1 Kings 15:3), and a faithful son of an unfaithful father is, intriguingly, praised for walking in the ways of “David his father” (i.e. 1 Kings 15:11), implying something beyond simple biological parentage.

Biblical commands are meant to direct us, but most of them aren’t exhaustive. They exist in the context of other commands and the broader priorities of Scripture. We should never use those wider considerations to erase the command—there are times Christians use one biblical principle (i.e. the call to love) as a way of pretending like all the other commands have no weight, which begs the question of why God gave them at all. But we should also not think that faithfulness means flatness, ignoring the nuance and depth of following Jesus in our complex world.

What does that mean for the call to honor our parents? Well, it does mean there is a general calling to walk in that direction. We should honor in all possible and appropriate ways. But it also means that there are a number of other biblical teachings that tell us what is possible and appropriate.

God Is Our Ultimate Father

First and foremost, obeying parents or any other human authority is beneath the call to honor God as God. All authority, including family, is given by God, and so no authority has the right to call us to do things that are opposed to Him. This will inform what follows, but it is a crucial first principle. The Lord establishes human authorities, but at the same time, He always relativizes them.

One particular way we should be mindful of God’s fatherhood rests in the idea of honor itself. To honor something is to treat is with appropriate respect based on its value—to show it fitting worth-ship. But parents can easily think the sort of worth-ship they deserve is actually worship, which belongs only to God. The honor we show any human should always be less intense and less all-encompassing that the honor we give the Lord. A parent who demands that level of devotion is actually seeking to supplant the King of Heaven.

Wickedness Is Never Honoring

One limit God’s ultimate authority places on parental obedience is that we should therefore never disobey God in the name of obeying a father or mother. There are times this is obvious, like a parent who demands complicity in some crime or great evil. But it is also true in subtler ways. Sin often seeks compromise and cooperation from others that leads to their corruption. We should not compromise or cooperate with it, even if that creates strain on our relationships.

Untruth Is Never Honoring

Because God is a God of truth, whatever honor means, it does not mean agreeing with lies. Parents will often believe lies and try to pass them on to the next generation. Whether it is a lie to hide an addiction, to excuse a pattern of sin, or to propagate a falsity, they will demand obedience to their opinion even if it seems to contradict God’s truth. Any child has a right to examine whether what a parent says corresponds to Scripture and reality, and if it doesn’t, to refuse to agree with it.

This refusal of untruth also ties into the question of wickedness. We shouldn’t join parents in sin, but we also shouldn’t avoid naming to them the reality their sin. Love and respect rest in telling the truth and calling for repentance, not in silently agreeing with evil. Consider the aforementioned addict. Enabling their behavior is actually the opposite of honoring them. Showing biblical honor will mean calling them to confront their issues, repent, and get help to move towards healing.

The Priority of Spiritual Family

One last piece of biblical testimony that is especially pertinent to the question of family is found in the ministry of Jesus. There are several points where His mother and brothers seek to oppose His public ministry or demand he come back home. His response is partly to acknowledge the ultimate fatherhood of God. But it is also to argue for the spiritual family of the church: “[These disciples] are my mothers and brothers.” (Matthew 12:46-50)

We should make this point carefully, because we can go wrong in multiple directions. But in the New Testament, it seems that the first application of honoring parents actually applies not to biological parents but to spiritual ones. Before thinking about those who gave physical birth and nourishment, we are to respect and show honor to those responsible for our spiritual birth and growth.

This shift doesn’t mean there is not a right honor we should show biological family—there definitely is. But biology is relativized even further by the new community brought in by Jesus and the Holy Spirit. In baptism, water actually becomes thicker than blood. And so our first question should be what it means to honor the community of faith and the examples of those who have come before us. To, like Israel’s kings, walk in the way of “David our father.”

Honor As Much As You Can

That said, in all of the above, the direction must still be honoring as much as possible withing all of that. We should not use any of that as an excuse to be unkind or inconsiderate of our parents, and when we are (which will be inevitable for all of us), we should repent of that as a failing. We should listen to them, maintain their dignity, and thank them for the good they do.

When we challenge, we ought to do it in honoring ways. We should communicate respect and show kindness as messengers even if the message will give offense. When we disobey or disagree out of obedience to God, we should be clear about why we are doing it, have loving hearts, and use loving words. The direction should always be honor, as much as is possible and appropriate.