Boys and Men
(This is something that has very much been on my mind, so I wrote this letter to my boys to talk about it. I thought I'd share it here as well.)
My sons,
While it will be a few years before I
give you this letter, thanks to some issues very much on my mind, I
wanted to write you today and talk a bit about what it means to be a
man.
Many people confuse being a man with
simply being male. They assume that, because you have certain
chromosomes or hormones or bits on your body, that is enough. That
being a man is just a product of birth, and that the fundamental
divide in the world is between such males and the females they
encounter.
This is not true. Maleness is just an
accident of biology. Gorillas can be males. Lions can be males. Rats
can be males. Being male doesn't make you a man.
Likewise, others confuse being a man
with a certain idea of “masculinity.” They think it describes
your interests or your capacities, again in a way contrasted with
“femininity.” They see masculinity as about having power or
getting what you want. It is about loving sports or guns or working
with your hands. Certainly, you might share some of these interests.
You do have access, because of your maleness, to certain kinds of
power.
But being masculine is also not the
same as being a man. There are men – great men – who don't share
these interests. Manly painters and poets and philosophers. More than
that, there are those with power and success who are not men –
those things can just as easily make you a monster.
Scripture calls us to be men. What is
striking in the Bible is that this is neither a call to
maleness nor masculinity. Maleness is something we already have, not
something we are called to. In the Bible, “man” is never
contrasted with “woman” as its opposite. Rather, when the Bible
calls us to be men, that is a contrast with being a boy. We are
called to "mature manhood" as opposed to childishness.
Being a boy is not about age. There are
males in their 70s who are still boys. There are boys who drip with
masculinity. There are males with enormous influence and fame who are
still boys. There are entertainments dedicated to
masculinity and male appetites, but they are not entertainments for men.
They are trifles meant to reassure boys in their immaturity.
Boys and men can both have power. Boys
use that power to get what they want. To feed their appetites. To
bully or coerce.
Men use their power to work and to
serve. To pursue things greater than themselves. To stand
courageously in defense of those who are powerless.
Boys and men can both have influence.
Boys use that influence to call attention to themselves. They use it
as a mask to hide their failures.
Men use their influence to serve
others. They use it to make the world a better place.
Boys and men can both desire women.
Boys desire them as objects to be used. They desire them as marks of
conquest. They desire them to sate their animal appetites or lust to
feel power.
Men desire women because women are
dignified and brave and strong. They seek to love them in a way that
makes them more than they are, never less. Inasmuch as they live in a
world full of boys, men seek to stand up for women against anything
that would demean or belittle them. And inasmuch as they live in a
world where there are monsters, men have the guts to stand on the
side of women against the beasts that would hurt them and hold them
down.
Boys and men can both have children.
Boys view them as proof of their maleness, as if there is something
impressive in our ability simply to reproduce. Boys treat them as
extensions of their egos, using them to fill up what is lacking in
themselves and tearing them down if they ever threaten that pride.
Men are fathers. They understand that
their children are their greatest works, the most important things
they will ever do for the world. They love them unconditionally and
take responsibility for them and change their diapers and raise them
to be men and women, not just boys and girls.
Boys and men can both have sex. Boys do
it in a way that takes something, men in a way that gives themselves away.
Boys hurt others. Men hurt themselves
while serving them. Boys are fearful and cling to power. Men are
confident and seek peace. Boys hide their sins and failures. Men
confess them, take responsibility, and seek to grow.
The ultimate example of a boy is Adam,
our first father. He was put in the world with a woman to love and a
job to do beside her and a God to serve. Instead, he destroyed it all in order
to fill his belly and feed his pride. The ultimate example of a man
is Jesus Christ, who did not consider equality with God something to
hold on to, but who humbled Himself and died as a servant to all.
My sons, you are male. You are in many
ways masculine. Yet you are right now boys. My prayer for you is that
you see, imperfectly in me and perfectly in Jesus, the call to grow
up from these childish ways into true manhood.
As you do, know this. Boys may leave
their marks on the world, but they are in truth only scars. Boys may
gain success, but it is the success of playground bullies. Boys may
seem to have it all, money and sex and fame, but they are still in
reality just petty little fools.
Before a man, though, the foundations
of the earth tremble. Creation trembles, not in fear, but in
anticipation of what he will bring forth on it. Men have true strength,
not the strength that builds little empires and personal fiefdoms, but the
strength to bring life to the dead things of this world. To build up other men and women and grow up families and hack back the thorns of the curse and
bring beauty and joy and peace. When Jesus returns, the so-called
accomplishments of boys will be burned away, but the true work of
true men will endure.
I love you, and I pray every day that
you would be such men.
In Christ,
Your Earthly Father